Over this summer I have witnessed all types,shapes and forms of love. Some firsthand and others from a far.
The first is parasitic love. The type of love that just sucks the life out of one person while the other seems to flourish and grow as their counterpart gets weaker.
This love is the saddest of all because the host never realizes that they’re being sucked dry until its too late.
The next type of love is unrequited. I’ve never known that it was possible to love someone and that love not be returned. I’ve only experience the unconditional love of family and the conditional love of friends but in both cases the love was there. Now my eyes have been opened to the possibility that its possible to love someone with your whole heart totally and completely unconditionally and they just don’t have the love to return back to you….its never dawned on me that one person could be just not love you back. This love is the most painful. Its all the steps of grief wrapped up in one time. But it returns to you periodically. When you hear “your song” or past a coffee shop y’all went to or find a little handwritten note. It won’t go away. It just fades over time.
Lastly superficial love. I’ve seen love that was heavy on the surface Like oil floating to the top when its combined with water. At the top its so thick but just below the surface its just as clear and translucent as it wants to be. This is the most deceiving love because on the surface its perfect and cute and ideal but just below its as clear as water. Nothing of substance. A facade.
So I guess on second thought I really haven’t seen love at all. Because as cliche as it is to throw a bible verse into things
1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
New International Version (NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I have not witnessed any of these characteristics but I still want to believe that’s I’ve seen love this summer. I never thought I’d be one of these girls to pine and ponder over love but it wanders around my mind endlessly until I’m hopelessly romanticized. I have to believe that it was love but know that it wasn’t in my heart. I have to know that we have lived a loveless summer.
So what happens when the roles are reversed and the guy becomes the pest after a hangout session.
I don’t know why but like those shoes you brought on sale yesterday that were still way over budget or that pulse tattoo you got that night you were in PCB. Many late night I’m lonely/bored/restless calls and texts are more than regrettable.
I found myself being the “man” this morning huffing and puffing trying to give friendly warning signs that my guest had over stayed his welcome. In most social media today we see a girl who can’t take the hint that the party is over. But I was just plain and simple over my company and wishing he would get on out of here.
So I started my wake up call by getting up and showering (noisily) I mean I drop my handy can’t soap holder. My bottles of shower gel and shampoos miraculously avalanched, just the loudest physical noises possible. I emerge from the shower expecting to see a dresses houseguest but all I got was a minuscule movement in the covers and a snore.
So on to the next friendly wake up and go move. I practically stomp from corner to corner of the room rattling the floor but not even a 3.5 on the Richter scale could stir my guest.
Plan C was in full swing when I walked out of the room “accidentally” letting the door slam behind just to ramble aimlessly in the kitchen. NOTHING. At this point I’m almost positive he’s dead or he has a sleeping disorder. None of my nice/not so nice wake up tactics were working so I did what any woman in my shoes would have done….
Lied about what time I had to go to work pushing it up three extra hours. Only to wait seconds until he pulled out of the driveway to crash back into bed with mango sherbet and Keeping Up with the Kardashian reruns.
Three principles have begin running my life. I have always struggled with my own insecurities like any other person but lately it’s become a cat and mouse game of what will trigger my extreme insecurities today. The root of my insecurity stems from my inadequacies or feeling of inadequacy. Have you ever tried to trade something and felt like you were giving or getting something not equal. Well in most situations I look at things in regard of trades. I’m trading you my time, my interest and my heart for yours but I’m also looking at overall appearance too. You would trade a Benz for a Buick so I feel like appearance should be on the same level. And in most instances I’m the Buick. The first two were two issues that I controlled myself but the last issue is one I have no control over.
It’s amazing period that my life isn’t perfect but is perfectly wonderful at the moment.
I still have one dead end job that gives me sucky hours, and I still struggle to force myself to run daily and remain a vegetarian but I have my joys, and I’m holding on so tightly to them.
I am In a constant limbo of trying to remain positive and always take the high road but hey I’m only human and I slip occasionally but lately I’ve been trying consciously trying to stop worrying. And learn to just roll with the punches.
This summer my goal is to be simply amazing period. I want to have amazing memories and amazing fun and meet some amazing people. So this summer’s mantra has to be